Do you ever notice God speaking to you in themes? Like, “In this month’s life lesson, the theme will be patience.”

Or obedience or trust or whatever.

Do the inner work, pray, trust, and follow God’s guidance, and you’ll learn the lesson and move on to … probably a more challenging lesson.

(My husband used to tell people when he was coaching CrossFit that it doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger. Wise words.)

Or you die. *insert shrug emoji*

Two lessons I’ve been learning lately are about identity and trusting God. Naturally, they’re connected.

God was so kind as to make these connections for me this morning while I was praying and I could see how much my old identity - that my value is tied to my productivity, that I won’t be loved unless I contort myself to match an ideal, that I am not truly necessary so I should just fade into the background and make everyone else’s lives easier - led to me not trusting God and just trying to take the reins and do what I think needs to be done.

(Damn, that was really vulnerable …)

I thought, “This really reminds me of when Sarai took matters into her own hands and told Abram to have a kid with her slave because there’s no way God actually meant that a whole nation would come from her old, barren womb. Then she was really upset about it (duh) and made everyone miserable. So she basically made herself a shit sandwich because she didn’t just trust God and then was surprised when it didn’t taste good. Damn, I can really relate there. Hmmm.”

And I opened up my Bible to follow my Bible in a Year plan and guess what the first passage was about. That exact story.

Thanks for the confirmation, Lord. *Trying really hard not to do the eye roll emoji.*

I recently went through Tonya Leigh’s Live Like an Editor Workshop because for some reason she’s been appointed as some mystical guide in my life and always seems to circle back into my orbit to help with a lesson I need to learn.

The point of the workshop was to help you get really clear on the focus of your year by choosing one word that defines it and figuring out what you can do/stop doing to step into the version of yourself that embodies it.

“Oh,” I realized. “This is really about identity.” Also, the word that kept floating into my mind was monastic.

So, for example, if your focus of the year is fitness but in your old identity you believe that exercising is too hard or you hate it or that you always quit and that eating healthy means eating flavorless food and giving up everything that you love, you’re not going to get very far.

However, if you put on a new identity, the identity of someone who is fit and loves it, you will.

What does a fit person who loves being fit believe about fitness? Probably that exercise is fun. And that it gives them so much energy that they can’t wait to do it. That they are worth the commitment. They probably also have found ways to eat healthy that they love. And found recipes that are delicious. They’ve also found ways to still enjoy foods they love without overdoing it.

To them, fitness isn’t loss, it is so much gain.

What’s more, they see themselves as fit. They don’t see themselves as lazy or fat or a slob or a hopeless failure (probably), and they act in a way that is in line with how they see themselves. They believe in this identity.

So, if in your old identity you don’t believe that you are so valuable to God that he would make impossible promises to you and keep them, you’re gonna worry about it and be anxious and finally hatch some stupid plan to make things happen in your own way because you don’t trust God to come through.

I’m talking about myself and Sarai here.

(I’m also gonna point some fingers at Abram for causing some of this mistaken identity, after the whole, “tell them she’s my sister, not my wife because she’s so beautiful and I don’t want to get killed so I’ll let some other guy take her as his wife ordeal”, where God came in and saved the day for her. Perhaps this promise to Sarai was also a way of God healing some wounds and letting her know that she really is so valuable and precious to him that yes, he would actually give her this impossible gift?)

Anyway. If you do not see yourself as you truly are - a beloved child of God - it is so easy to misplace your trust. To think that you need to figure everything out on your own. To strive. To worry. To push.

But when you finally accept it, this new identify in Christ, things can change. You can step into that identity, put it on like a new outfit, and begin to live as one who knows that they are truly one with God. Then, trust becomes easier. It’s like taking a deep breath, letting your shoulders drop and relaxing into peace.

This is why Jesus talked so much about repenting, which in Greek is metanoia, or changing your mind. Changing the way you see yourself. It’s why there are references all over the new testament about putting on the identity of Christ. (Like choosing your focus word.) Clothing yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, and love. (Like deciding what you need to do/stop doing to step into the version of yourself that acts that way.)

Okay, so I initially started writing this to tell you about the monastic focus, but it took a turn.

Ahem.

In doing this work, and shedding old layers of that old identity, I could see how I’ve been circling around this idea with things I’ve been writing and talking about lately, as well as what’s been going on in my daily life.

And I’ve been trying on names and niche’s and nothing has quite felt right because it’s been done partially through the lens of my old identity - as a way to contort to what I thought other people wanted and what made a good Christian woman (definitely not swearing and a half-shaved head), fear of talking about God and living this way (especially on the Internet), and, mostly, fear of being seen as I am, in my true identity.

Well, fuck that noise.

Settling on the word monastic was like finding an old, forgotten sweater in the back of your closet and putting it on and remembering how much you loved it.

I wanted to be a nun when I was in high school, then Shane Claiborne’s new monasticism was the main inspiration behind becoming a minimalist and living in a school bus.

It’s always been there in the background and now it’s coming to the forefront and being weaved into how I live my life as a wife and mom of four young adults.

Now it’s time for mid-morning prayer.

Thanks for reading.