Hi, I’m Nina, a Catholic Mystic (with a heavy emphasis on the mystic). The purpose of Enlightened Wellness (formerly Redeeming Home) is to help you dig deep into your awareness of God and self so you can feel at home with who you are and create a life of joy, meaning and purpose. Welcome.
Warning: there is one f-bomb and I say ass once twice.
On May 25th, 2024, just over a week after my divorce, God gave me a vision of my husband and I laughing happily together and said, “I will restore this marriage.”
I didn’t want that. And what’s more, I had walked away from the church years before and was a self-described witch and had switched God out for the Universe.
But the vision was so clear, and the possibility so real, that it sparked a desire I thought had been long dead.
I had to go on a walk and ponder how this could really be possible. As I walked, I kept hearing the word, “Trust.” The only problem was, at that point, the only power I really trusted in was myself and I kept thinking, “But I’m just not that powerful.”
An hour later, I arrived back home and walked into my bedroom, where the realization hit me that I needed God and a spiritual practice. To which He replied, “It’s time to go back to Mass.”
Over the course of the next few weeks, I did go back to Mass. But I also got a few visions putting together what I now see as the message I was sent to share with the world. It helped that it came with the instruction to, “Wake up my people.” In retrospect, all of my life experiences have prepared me for it, and my “time away from God” was really training.
The message? We need both God-awareness and self-awareness to live the lives of purpose we were meant to live. The kingdom of Heaven is at hand - and this is how.
The great thing, though? I’m not the only person who’s gotten this message. In fact, God has been sharing this message with His mystics for centuries, many of whom were women. (My priest, it seems, also got the memo).
So, what is God-awareness as seen in the typical follower of Christ?
God-awareness is an awareness that God is real and at work all around us, always. Jesus died and was resurrected for the forgiveness of our sins. His Holy Spirit dwells in us.
For some people, that also means an awareness of spiritual warfare - a spiritual fight within and around us with evil forces that are trying to separate us from God.
And with this God awareness comes either a master/servant relationship or father/child relationship. Sometimes that of friends.
But what happens when you have God-awareness, but not self-awareness?
From what I have observed, a few things are common:
Being stuck in a victim mentality or immaturity of faith: “God will fix this.” “God hasn’t fixed this so I’m being punished or the devil is attacking me.” There is little to no accountability for actions. There is a lack of self-growth and introspection. Or a complete lack of awareness that healing work needs to be done. This is the presumption that St. Catherine was talking about.
Sin-focused: Part of that stems from the focus on sin that is prevalent in the church. Always, always, always, Christians are talking about how they are hopeless sinners. But Christ came for the forgiveness of sins and so that we would sin no more. If you believe in him, he will wash them away and then you can go and “sin no more.” Everyone just seems to forget about the second part …
But really, truly following Jesus begets a total heart change in which you realize your sins are forgiven and all the wounds that caused you to distance yourself from God can be healed.
But, that takes self-awareness.
What is self-awareness?
Self-awareness, in my definition, is truly knowing yourself and what makes you think and believe and behave the way you do.
During the years I had turned away from the church, God was pointing me in the direction of learning more about self-awareness and helping others become more self-aware.
I studied the Enneagram, a personality typing system that helps people learn their core motivations, desires and fears. I dove deep into the zodiac, not so I could learn to predict the future, but because of the great insight it offers into what makes people tick. I learned about Human Design and the Myers-Briggs personality types.
All of these tools teach us about our unique traits, desires, weaknesses and strengths.
I also explored shadow work, a type of psychotherapy that involves exploring and acknowledging parts of ourselves that we may have repressed or ignored - what we perceive as the “bad” parts. These parts are often referred to as the "shadow self" and can include trauma, resentment, negative self-talk, and personality traits that are difficult to accept.
The idea is that these parts are not inherently good or bad, but are just a part of who we are.
I dove into the work of the Holistic Psychologist who believes that our wounds lead to self-betrayal - actions and thoughts that hurt us deeper. She also believes that this self-betrayal can play out in physical ailments, something I have personally witnessed.
I believe that sin is really self-betrayal - anything that hurts us and creates a perceived separation between us and God.
Self-awareness helps us to acknowledge that there are wounds that we have that need to be healed and they provide the lens through which we see the world, which, in turn, affects how we behave with others and ourselves.
Without self-awareness, there can be no true self-love.
Note: I have read some works by Christian authors that denote self-love as a bad thing. But I think that what they really mean is self-worship. True self-love, in my experience, is recognizing that I was intentionally made the way that I am for a reason, and that by being as true to who I am as possible, I am really just becoming more One with God. I found that the more I truly loved myself, the more deeply I fell in love with God.
The temptation then, that stems from just self-awareness, is the tendency to put all your faith in yourself. That’s where I found myself. I even went so far as to say that I was my own higher power. I was, in essence, my own god.
There are a few problems with only having self-awareness:
Potential misery: If you are your own god, that’s a lot of pressure. If something goes wrong, did you cause it? Some schools of thought say yes. If you can’t heal yourself, are you perpetuating a miserable life on purpose on the subconscious level? It’s a shaky foundation.
No commitment or certainty: The people I have met who are all about self seem to be always searching for more and unwilling to make commitments. There’s a lot of, “we’ll see how this goes,” or “let’s see what the universe brings.” I’ve heard newly married couples say that in regard to their relationship - they don’t want to say ‘til death do us part, they want to see how they feel in a few years.
I don’t know about you, but fuck that noise. This is the confusion that St. Catherine mentioned.
So what happens when you combine these two concepts?
It was this combination that led to such complete, quick healing of the wounds I was aware of that I had tried (and failed) to heal once I finally came back to God (or rather, acknowledged that He was always there and I just had my head up my ass).
Why are both important?
Healing: When you have both you can see the things that happened to you in your life that wounded you, be it your childhood or later years. You can see the lies and beliefs they left behind and know that they taint the way you view the world and interact with others. But you also know that they can be healed and that God will give you complete healing when you ask.
True love of self and others: Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself. How well can you love your neighbor when you don’t truly love yourself? You will treat your neighbor the way you treat yourself.
Maturity: Mature people are self-aware. They take accountability for their actions. They do things intentionally. They seek God regularly. They honor their commitments. They’re not afraid to commit. They know that a life of purpose requires choice, which requires commitment and the willingness to sacrifice the other options. They know that keeping your options open is like trying to walk in two different directions at once - it just doesn’t work.
Growth: Self-aware people know that growth is important. God-aware people know that we were made to live lives of meaning, which requires growth. People with both aren’t stagnant. They take action. They purposefully co-create a life of meaning with God and do what it takes to be able to do it.
Life beyond sin: If sin is self-betrayal (as I believe) and God helps us heal those wounds that cause self-betrayal, we can truly live without sin. So, what then? There is life beyond sin. Fulfilling life. Loving God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength, and loving others as you love yourself. That opens up a whole world of possibility. If you’re focused on those things, it’s hard to focus on sin.
Having both God- and self-awareness is like running on two legs down the path you’re meant to live. Having just one is like missing a leg. You can still go down the path, but it will be slow and difficult.
So what has all of this led me to believe?
God IS real and at work all around and in us, always. God is LOVE. Jesus came to show us that there is no real separation from God. All perceived debts have been wiped clean by the Law of Grace. There is nothing between Oneness with God but ourselves and what we believe. We are in the Father and He is in us. We are One.
We are created in the image and likeness of God, and are therefore, powerful creators. But. While we can create things on our own, we can do so much more when we focus on co-creating with God. Being made in God’s image, we are also deeply worthy of love.
There is an ongoing spiritual battle with a force that delights in casting doubt in us about the love of God and aims to lure us from the path we are meant to be on. A force that loses its power completely when we truly know and believe that we are One with the Father and His love and there is NO separation nor can there ever be.
When we have both, our relationship with God becomes more intimate. In the spiritual warfare realm, God is my beloved commander and I am His loyal and committed warrior. In this realm, God is my Beloved, and I am His. We are One.
When I know that I am One with God and nothing can ever separate us, and I have a deep love and knowledge of myself, I am able to focus on loving others and living a life of meaning and purpose.
